


This Garden Once Was Perfect

by frk_werewolf (wolfelements)



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Abortion, Abortion aftermath, Angst, M/M, Mpreg, Omg the sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 02:52:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6782410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfelements/pseuds/frk_werewolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm..." Spencer can't finish. He can't even fucking blink.<br/>"You're pregnant, Spencer," she says, patiently.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Garden Once Was Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> Not a happy Mpreg. Remember this. Think of what male pregnancy would do to the body... Yeah, exactly.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. For one, Spencer was definitely male and therefore not an owner to the particular parts required to achieve something of this magnitude. Secondly, things like this just didn't happen at all, no matter how often he turns to look at the test sitting precariously at the edge of the bathroom sink. The small, seemingly innocent, plus symbol stares back at him and he lets out a breath. 

"I'm losing it," he mutters, standing and tossing the pregnancy test into the trashcan. After three weeks of vomiting, dizzy spells, and tender muscles, Brendon had thought it would be hilarious to buy the damn thing. Spencer doesn't know why he actually used it.

It's not right. It's not an exact science, pregnancy tests. Besides, he's male. He should just forget about the whole thing.

*

He's lying in his bunk, curled up around Jon's sleeping form, when he realizes that maybe, just maybe, he should go to the doctor. It doesn't hurt to get checked out. For all he knows, he could have some brand new disease that needs medical attention.

Carefully, he pulls himself out from Jon's hold. Jon mumbles in his sleep and rolls over, hand clenching the sheets now that he no longer has Spencer's t-shirt to clutch. Spencer smiles and grabs his cell phone, heading for the back of the bus. He checks the time, does the time zone calculations, and suspects that it isn't too early to call Pete. The man probably isn't sleeping, anyway. 

"Pete," Spencer says, pausing before shutting the door to the lounge. The last thing he needs is Brendon listening in on this conversation and announcing it to the world. "I think I have a problem."

"Yeah, you probably do," Pete replies calmly. Spencer can picture Pete in his head, curled up on the sofa with a cup of coffee, amused that they always run to him with their problems. "Brendon called yesterday. Mentioned something about a pregnancy test?"

"Come on, Pete, don't tell me you believe that. I'm a guy, last time I checked, last time Jon checked. I'm not pregnant." He lets out a huff of air, fingers twisting in the waistband of his pajama pants. "But, well, I am having some really weird symptoms, so I do think I need to go to the doctor. Preferably soon."

"Sure you're not pregnant? I always thought you had child bearing hips."

"Pete," Spencer growls. Pete laughs.

"Alright, alright. Give me a day or so, if I can't find someone then I know who can," Pete said.

"I just need a regular doctor, Pete. One who will be discreet? Last thing we need is the tabloids announcing that I have some incurable cancer."

"Hmm? Yes, of course." Pete sounds distant, like he's thinking about something else and can't be bothered with the conversation. Spencer just hopes he's thinking about doctors and not, say, bikinis or Patrick. "Someone will call you."

*

Spencer leans against the wall outside the dressing room and stares at the number glowing up at him from his cell phone, trying to recall where he had seen that area code before. Frowning, he finally gives in to temptation and answers. "Hello?"

"Spencer Smith?" a familiar voice asks.

He takes a moment to hide his sputtering and clears his throat. "Uh, yeah. How did you...? Pete asked you to call me, didn't he?"

"Yeah, he kind of did," Gerard Way says, sounding far too chipper for a guy who writes songs about death and vampires. "Look, he told me about your little problem and I've got just the guy--or gal as the case may be--for you to see."

"My problem? What exactly did he tell you?" Spencer asks, looking up as Ryan exits the dressing room. Ryan raises an eyebrow at Spencer's expression and Spencer quickly waves him off, rolling his eyes. There's no point in freaking his best friend out, not yet anyway.

"Dude, you're experiencing the greatest gift of all time. Imagine how many guys that would kill to get pregnant!" Gerard sounds wistful, which is making Spencer a bit uncomfortable. "Besides, Dr. Carmichael doesn't just specialize in pregnancy, she can check you out for other things, too, but she's the only doctor in all the free world to ever come across male pregnancy before."

Spencer chokes on his own saliva at that.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Spencer breathes. "Fine."

"Okay, right. Well, Pete couldn't find anyone and he knew that Mikey and I are the best of the best when it comes to this kind of stuff. So you can trust me, Spencer."

He sounds so damn earnest that Spencer can't help but relax, letting the tense muscles around his spine melt for just a second, something that normally only Jon can get him to do. Spencer sighs. "Okay. Give me her number."

*

He doesn't tell Jon why he's going to the doctor. And it's stupid, really, because Jon loves him and wouldn't look at him as though he's insane if he told him about the pregnancy test. Jon might even be able to get him to laugh over it, which is something he hasn't really done since this whole thing started. 

"Are you sure you don't want me to take you?" Jon asks, eyebrows drawing together. "You look kind of freaked out, man."

"No, no, I'm fine," Spencer replies. He ignores the desire to vomit, just as he ignores the urge to slap Jon and accuse him of doing this to him. Which is utterly ridiculous, because there is nothing wrong. Spencer's fine. He is.

His appointment is two hours before sound check, hopefully giving him enough time to talk with the doctor and then laugh over it afterwards. Zack entrusts another bodyguard to watch the others and gets them a rental car. They say nothing on the way there. Zack seems content to just let Spencer stew in his own thoughts.

The office is designed like every other doctor's office Spencer has been to: soft blues, gray chairs, and generic paintings on the wall. He stares at an image across from him for so long, it turns into nothing but blotches of color. The receptionist ignores him, clicking away at her computer. Zack is reading, of all things, a golf magazine. The room is so silent and still that Spencer doesn't want anything to disturb it. So, naturally, that's when the nurse appears, "Spencer?"

"Yeah," he says, standing.

"This way, please," she says pleasantly. 

He follows her through a series of hallways that he's sure he won’t remember. Medical buildings all seem to be built for the sole purpose of disorientation and getting people lost. He lets the nurse lead him into the small examining room. He hops up onto the table, wincing at the crinkle of the white paper underneath him. They go through the basics of why he's there and she doesn't seem that shocked when he confesses about the pregnancy test.

"You'd be amazed at how many people come here for this," she says. "You're not alone, okay? And most often it ends up being anything from hormone imbalance to a sex complication that hadn't made itself known at birth and is just now showing up." She pats Spencer on the knee in the same way his grandmother used to. It comforts him slightly. "We'll get you settled, just you see."

Spencer watches her leave, the sudden silence of the room killing him. He crosses his arms, and then bites at his thumbnail as he waits. It doesn't take long--there were hardly any patients in the building to take up much of the doctor's time--before a small woman of middle age is slipping through the door, hair pulled back into a severe bun. She looks like Spencer's third grade teacher, who used to stand over his desk and scowl at him.

"So, you think you're pregnant, huh?" Dr. Carmichael asks, lips tilting upward.

"No, I don't think I am," he insists. "But, uh, I did get a positive on a pregnancy test, which was a joke, okay? So, there's a possibility that something is wrong with me."

"Well, sweetie, here's what we're going to do, okay?" she says, her expression softening. "I'm going to do a physical, run some blood work, and do an ultrasound on your lower abdomen and hip region. It sounds like a lot, I know, but I'd rather have you do everything today and just get it over with. From what I understand you're only in town for a few more days--?"

"Yeah, three."

"We should have the results in before you leave."

Spencer lets out a rush of air. He nods and accepts the paper gown that Dr. Carmichael hands him.

*

Spencer decides that waiting for test results is a lot like sitting in a dentist's chair while he's coming at you with a pair of pliers. Jon tries to calm him down, giving him a blowjob in the hotel's shower. On the third day, Spencer awakens to Jon's hands sliding down his spine, cupping his ass. He hums, blinking his yes open. He's greeted with a sleepy grin from Jon, followed by a sloppy kiss that shouldn't taste good due to morning breath, but really, really does.

He maneuvers them around on the bed, getting Jon pinned to the mattress with his legs spread and back arching. At that moment, Spencer's the luckiest man in the world. Grinning, Spencer reaches for the bedside table to grab the lube, only to have his hand hit the telephone just as it starts ringing. Jon lets out a frustrated moan, hips jerking up and cock brushing Spencer's.

"Shhh," Spencer teases, "be quiet and you'll get exactly what you want."

"Don't tell me you're going to answer that," Jon pants out, gasping as Spencer's hand wraps around the base of his cock. Spencer smiles, stroking him gently as he picks up the phone and brings it to his ear. Jon's expression in one of utter shock.

"Hello?" Spencer asks.

"Spencer Smith, please," a professional voice asks.

"This is he," Spencer replies, thumb rubbing roughly against the head of Jon's cock. Jon sucks in a sharp breath and squeezes his eyes closed.

"This is Rachel, from Dr. Carmichael's office? I'm calling in regards to your blood work and ultrasound," the woman says.

Spencer's hand falters, but he picks the rhythm back up, not wanting to let Jon know that he's quietly freaking out. "Yes? Umm, did you guys figure it out?"

"We'd like you to come into the office today, Mr. Smith." There is a pause. "Dr. Carmichael would prefer to speak to you about this face to face."

A shudder runs through him and his hand officially goes limp. Jon's eyes open, a frown forming. Spencer swallows, draws in a shaky breath, and says, "What time?"

*

It takes pressuring Ryan and Brendon into distracting Jon for him to get to the doctor's office without his loving, but clueless boyfriend. He hates keeping all of this a secret, but for now this is his problem and he doesn’t want to have to deal with more than he has to, in all honesty. He lets Zack wait in the waiting room again as he follows the nurse back once more. Dr. Carmichael is waiting for him with a stack of pamphlets and a solemn look on her face. Suddenly, this all feels far too real. For once no one's laughing about it, or saying this could be a wonderful thing. 

"Spencer," Dr. Carmichael begins, her hands folding in her lap, "I want to tell you first that this office is not only prepared, but also equipped to help you in any medical decision you make."

"What's wrong with me?" Spencer asks, voice hushed.

Dr. Carmichael clears her throat, looking down at the pamphlets before responding. "We're not entirely sure what causes male pregnancy. The odds of it happening and the number of actual cases are so few that there hasn't been any actual study performed. In fact, due to the small number, a study would definitely be faulty. Therefore, the information I'm going to give you today and for you to take home with you are purely based on my experience with my patients."

"I'm..." Spencer can't finish. He can't even fucking blink.

"You're pregnant, Spencer," she says, patiently.

"This is bad, isn't it?" He laughs, a little hysterically. "What am I saying? Of course it's bad." He bites his lip, eyes closing in some pathetic attempt to block out the world. "You said there were others? You...what happened? What can I...expect?"

"I've had five male pregnancy cases." She pauses, frowning. "I'm going to be frank with you, male pregnancy is very dangerous. Your body is not meant to withstand the physical stress of carrying a child, let alone the hormonal changes required to keep a fetus alive to full term."

"So, what are you saying?"

"I can't make a decision for you, no one can, but I'm letting you know that you do have the option of aborting. One of my patients chose that option. The other four decided to keep the child..." Dr. Carmichael tapers off, staring down at her hands.

"What happened to them?"

"One had a miscarriage and two didn't survive the full pregnancy," she admits, glancing up at him. "The last survived and he and his partner have a beautiful baby girl. The reason I'm telling you this is so you understand the risks involved. From all of your testing, I can safely say that at the moment you're healthy and there is no sign of complication."

Spencer can't imagine being her right them, confessing that two of her patients died all because they wanted to keep a child. He swallows again, his throat dry. He knows he couldn't speak even if he wanted to. He can't be pregnant. He can't have a child. His career, his life, everything would be ruined. He winces, realizing just how selfish he's sounding.

"I'm going to send you home with all the information I have, okay?" Dr. Carmichael says, standing and handing him the stack. His thumb runs along the words on the top pamphlet, but he's not concentrating hard enough to read what it says. Dr. Carmichael’s hand lands on his shoulder, drawing his attention to her. "I recommend telling the father as soon as possible. After that, you have a little over a month to decide what steps you want to take, after that the only option is to go through with the pregnancy. Call me when you've decided and we'll schedule our next appointment, understand?"

"Yes," he whispers.

Dr. Carmichael gives him nearly an hour to calm down, before helping him back to the waiting room and handing him over to Zack.

*

It's not until they're back on the road that Spencer realizes that he needs to tell Jon. He's been so caught up in silently freaking out and forcing himself to look cool and relaxed that he didn't think of the very man that donated half of the material needed to create a child. The idea is frightening. He decides to put it off for another week, just to give himself time to think.

Three days later, it's Jon that's cornering him in the back lounge. He's holding a familiar looking pamphlet in his hand, eyebrows furrowed. "Umm, Spence? Why is this hiding in your bunk?"

"What were you doing in my bunk?" Spencer asks automatically.

"I'm your boyfriend, oh lover of mine, which means I get to riffle through your stuff like a pervert," Jon replies, throwing himself onto the sofa next to Spencer. "Now, what is this?"

Spencer sighs. "It's exactly what it looks like."

"It's funny. Where did you get it? Did Brendon find this?" Jon asks, flipping through it randomly. "I thought he gave up on that crazy male pregnancy thing."

"It's..." Spencer draws in a breath and turns to face Jon. "It's not crazy, Jon. I got that from a doctor I went to see last week, for the follow up appointment, remember?"

Jon looks skeptical. "So...this doctor told you that you were pregnant? And you believe him?"

"Her. And, yeah, I do." At Jon's look, Spencer lets out a frustrated sound. "You didn't see all the tests they performed on me to figure this out, Jon, so don't even try to contradict what I'm saying. I know I sound insane, but you read that damn thing, you know it's possible now and, you know what? I don't need you judging me over this! I don't need--"

"Hey, hey," Jon says, softly, arm wrapping around Spencer's shoulders. Spencer lets himself be pulled into a hug. "Okay. So, I'm going to just believe you on this, because I trust you wouldn't just come up with this all on your own, not as a joke."

"I was going to tell you," he says, looking up at Jon. "I just needed time to absorb it. I mean...we got me pregnant, Jon."

"Yeah, I guess we did."

"Are you...?" Spencer trails off, unsure of what he was going to say.

"I'm not sure whether to jump around in joy or freak out over the fact that, odds are, this can't be a good thing," Jon says after a moment.

Spencer is silent. He kisses Jon lightly on the neck, nuzzling him briefly, before standing. He digs around in his bunk for a moment, before finding the rest of the pamphlets, which are bent and frayed from his reading them too many times. He hovers near Jon, waiting until Jon looks up at him, before handing them over. "It's everything the doctor knows about male pregnancy, including the complications. You should read it. We...we need to decide whether we're going to keep it."

And he hates that, in a way, he's sort of lying to Jon, because he's mostly already decided. He can't keep this baby. The risk is too high for both himself and the child. Not to mention that he's a drummer for a band that just put out its second album. He can't throw that away, or make Jon throw it away alongside him. He can't do that to Ryan and Brendon, either.

It all sounds kind of like excuses to him, but he's run through it so many times that he can't find fault in his decision. He knows it's the right one. But he doesn't know if Jon would agree.

Jon is staring at him with his big brown eyes, the very eyes that made Spencer fall in love with him. He wonders briefly if the kid would have Jon's eyes, before he shuts the lid on such thoughts. "I'll go, so you can read in peace."

Jon opens his mouth to tell him no, but he closes it and nods, turning his eyes to the stack of information Spencer had given him.

*

By the time Spencer was hopping off the riser at that night's show, Jon had not said more than one word to him in seven hours. Spencer hadn't been aware that they could manage such lengths of silence. They're in the back room of the venue, winding down from the show when Ryan suddenly stills and glances between Spencer and Jon, as though the tension had just made itself apparent.

He walks over to Spencer and stands so their shoulders press together. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah," Spencer says quickly, but Ryan narrows his eyes in a way that makes Spencer feel like his armor is melting. He glances over at Jon, who waits a beat before nodding. "Uhh, no, not really."

"Want to talk about it?" Ryan asks, casually.

Spencer's eyes dart around the room. Brendon is watching them openly, his worried face on. Spencer sighs. "I have something to tell you both."

"You don't have cancer do you?" Brendon asks suspiciously. "The doctor didn't tell you that you have some weird disease or something, did she?"

He laughs, albeit weakly. "No, nothing like that. It, uh, turns out Brendon was right. I'm pregnant."

Ryan stills next to him, his big eyes growing even wider. He glances down at Spencer's stomach and winces. "How, umm, what..."

"Well, on the plus side, Ryan's at a loss for words and that's a first," Jon offers, smiling. Spencer finds that he has to fight to smile back.

"You're going to have a baby?" Brendon asks, lighting up like a Christmas tree. "This is so..!" He does this thing with his hands, like a bird trying to take flight. "You're going to have a baby! Is Jon the father? Shut up, stupid question, I know. Wow. Baby."

"Uh, I don't..." Spencer winces.

"We might," Jon adds, which is pretty much useless since no one is entirely sure what either of them is talking about. Finally, Jon stands from where he had been slouching on the sofa. "Look, guys, this is really dangerous for Spencer. Like, it could kill him kind of dangerous. So, we might not keep it. I mean, unless Spencer wants it. It's totally his decision, of course, but...yeah."

"What do you mean, not keep it?" Brendon asks, a look of horror slowly spreading across his face. "You'd do that? You'd kill a baby just because it's unexpected or something?"

"Didn't you hear the part about Spencer possibly dying?" Ryan snaps, his hand taking hold of Spencer's upper arm and tightening, as though his grip alone will keep Spencer safe. Spencer hides a grimace.

"Yeah, but that's not the baby's fault," Brendon insists. "I don't want Spencer to die, but abortion is wrong."

Spencer feels like he's been slapped. That's the first time anyone has actually said the word aloud: abortion. Now it's repeating in his head, over and over again like some kind of demented mantra. Everything around him seems to white out, the argument between Ryan and Brendon--which he knows isn't personal and is more about them trying to no freak out about the situation--barely even registering. 

Suddenly hands are wrapping themselves around his waist, pulling him back into a soft embrace. He closes his eyes, breathes in Jon's scent. He gives himself one more second to relax, before opening his eyes and focusing on the room around him. Ryan and Brendon are no longer talking, but instead staring at him with worry. "What?"

"You nearly passed out," Brendon says, softly. 

"I did?" he asks. He doesn't remember that part.

Brendon nods and throws himself into Spencer's arms, wrapping his arms around Spencer and hugging him hard. "I'm sorry. I don't want you to die. Please don't let this kill you."

"It's okay, Brendon," Spencer replies, awkwardly patting him on the back. He looks over Brendon's shoulder to see Ryan staring at the floor, biting his lip. He knows he'll have to talk to him later, because Ryan doesn't like to have the true heart to hearts in front of others, even if it is their band.

*

"I meant what I said," Jon says the next day. They're curled up in his bunk bed, limbs tangled together. Jon's fingers rub gently at Spencer's hip, his breath brushing the back of Spencer's neck. 

"Hmm?" Spencer shifts, half asleep.

"Yesterday, about the baby." Spencer stills and slowly turns so he can see Jon's face. "I read everything and...God, Spencer, I don't want anything to happen to you. I couldn't stand it."

"Does that mean you want me to give it up?" Spencer asks, trying to keep his voice monotone. He fails when it cracks halfway through his sentence. Jon's arm slips around his waist and pulls him even closer.

"I just don't want to lose you," Jon whispers. "I can't say what you should do, Spencer. It's not my body, you know? It's my kid, yeah, and I love the idea that we created something together, but..."

"What?"

"I keep getting this image in my head of you trying to give birth and me having to choose between trying to save the baby or you," he says, burying his face in Spencer's neck. "I don't..."

"Shh, it's okay," Spencer says, slowly turning around so he could fully face Jon. He cups Jon's cheek, kissing him softly before pressing their foreheads together. "I think...I think it's best if I have an abortion."

There. He's said it. He clenches his eyes shut, not wanting to see the expression on Jon's face, waiting for Jon to say what a horrible person he is. But Jon doesn't. Instead, he just pulls Spencer into another kiss, this one desperate, and the kind that always sends an ache down Spencer's spine. Spencer clutches at him, parting his lips so Jon's tongue could invade his mouth, needing to be as close as possible to him.

Spencer pulls back when he can no longer breathe. "I thought you would freak out."

"I'm not happy, but I'm not going to be an asshole about it, either," Jon tells him, dropping another kiss on his lips. "I just wish you didn't have to make this choice."

"Me too," Spencer says. "Fuck, me too."

*

It took some maneuvering with the schedules, but Spencer finally manages to get an appointment arranged. This time, he asks Jon to come with him. They fly out on a Wednesday afternoon, planning to have the appointment finished by evening, so they can stay the night at a hotel before flying out to the next city in the morning. Spencer doesn't let himself think of it as an abortion or operation or any other word that will make him think about how serious it is. 

Instead, he shoves Jon against the nearest wall when they check into the hotel and starts pulling off his clothes. Jon stares, motionless. "Umm."

"Just shut up and fuck me," Spencer orders, reaching for Jon's belt buckle. He kisses Jon hard, biting down on his lower lip. They've barely touched and he's already panting, possibly in panic. "Please. Just, fuck me. Make me feel it. I need you."

Jon shudders, the sensation so strong that Spencer can feel it from where the tips of his fingers are slipping underneath Jon’s shirt. Suddenly Jon's a whirlwind of movement, clothes being thrown across the room. Spencer's already got the lubricant out of his bag, tossing it to Jon to catch. He doesn't have condoms and he knows that that was how they got into this mess in the first place, but they've been together and monogamous for two years. Besides, it's a little late for that, anyway.

He's pinned to the wall before he can blink. Jon lifts him up, wrapping his legs around Jon's waist. The rest is a frenzy of activity and the burn of penetration. Everything is blurry, his fingers are cramped from where they've dug into Jon's back, and his lower back aches from the harsh rhythm he's forced his hips into. Mostly, he can feel Jon around him and inside of him, all over. Jon's tongue laps at his cheek; licking up tears he didn't realize he was crying. He lets out a sound, a soft keen, before all he knows is pleasure.

His body feels used afterwards. 

"You okay?" Jon asks, one hand trailing down Spencer's spine. 

Spencer stretches out on the bed and glances at the clock. He's got an hour. "Yeah. I guess."

"You don't have to do this," Jon says.

"I know." But already Spencer feels like the choice is out of his hands.

*

Afterwards, he doesn't let Jon touch him. He curls up on his side of the bed and forces himself to sleep. He dreams about children running through sprinklers and a little boy with Jon's brown eyes. He wakes up with the urge to vomit.

*

It takes a month of the band walking around him on tiptoe for him to realize that he's been acting differently. He doesn't mean to, he didn't even realize that he was all that depressed. Brendon won’t look him in the eye. Ryan keeps leaving him self-help books in his bunk, which Spencer suspects is more Pete's idea than Ryan's. 

The worst is Jon. He's never really hurt Jon before. Sure, they've fought, but for the most part Jon's been stupidly happy with him. Now Jon looks like someone stole his cat and even though Jon tries to hide it, it gets worse when he's around Spencer. They haven't had sex, haven't even kissed, since before the abortion. Spencer doesn’t feel like he really has the right to touch Jon, not anymore.

Spencer shudders, curling in on himself as he tries to watch the television. The others are hanging out with The Hush Sound, leaving Spencer the bus. He shouldn't be alone, he knows this. When he's alone the word abortion starts attacking his brain and images of what he could have had pop up. His arms tighten around his knees.

"Spencer?" Jon asks softly from the doorway. He jerks, looking over to see Jon's tired expression. "I think we should talk."

"Yeah," Spencer replies, drawing in a shaky breath, "me too."

Jon hovers in the doorway and it hits Spencer hard, knowing he's become so unapproachable. After a moment, Spencer feels his breath hitch and he lowers his head, not wanting Jon to see him this close to crying. There's a moment of silence, before Jon's bare feet appear in his vision. Jon kneels in front of him, reaching out to lift his head up.

"I'm sorry," Spencer blurts out. His feet slide forward until they land on the floor. Jon's hands rest on his thighs. Spencer rubs at the side of his face, feeling wetness. "Fuck, I'm a mess."

"You have all the right to be," Jon whispers, scooting closer until he's kneeling in the v of Spencer's legs. "Talk to me, please."

"What can I possibly say?" he asks, voice turning hard. "There's no excuse for what I did, Jon. I...I had a fucking abortion. An abortion!"

Jon nods, staying silent. And just like that, it feels like everything is breaking, crumbling down around him. A sob rips free from his chest and he bends forward, trying to hide his face. Jon's arms are there, though, pulling him into an embrace and tucking his face into Jon's neck.

"It feels like I've killed this part of myself," he finally says, voice rough. "It wasn't even...I know it was the right thing to do, but I still feel like I've ripped this beautiful thing out of myself, this thing that was me and you and it could have been fucking perfect, Jon. It could have been wonderful and I destroyed it all because I'm a selfish asshole who didn't want the burden of it. I can't believe--"

By now his words are barely discernable from the sobs escaping his throat, but he keeps talking. He can't seem to stop. "I'm never going to get it back. It's gone forever and I did that. I killed it. And I took that away from you, Jon. I took away your chance to be a father! Why can't I stop thinking about it? Why can't it just go away?"

"It's okay," Jon says, his arms tightening around Spencer. "It's going to be okay."

"How the fuck is it going to be okay?" Spencer snaps, pulling back to glare at Jon. "After what I've done, how is it ever going to be okay? I'm stuck with this for the rest of my life."

"I know, and I'm stuck knowing that I let you do it," Jon replies. "But you'll get through this. Maybe not over it, no, but you will get through it. You'll live to fight another day, Spencer Smith."

Spencer tries to believe him, but the truth is he doesn't, not really.

*

He doesn't really get over it. He never forgets. Years pass and he quietly wonders 'what if'. Jon sticks with him though, even when he breaks down exactly one year after the event and nearly punches Jon in the face. 

Five years after the fact, after Panic at the Disco has had their run and are starting to settle into everyday lives, Jon brings up the idea of adopting. Spencer thinks back to their almost-kid, to the chance they had to be parents, and knows that this time is the right time.

And maybe he secretly believes it's a second chance when they're application is approved.


End file.
